Rolf and Ranger: Fun and Games

Showing posts with label Fun and Games. Show all posts

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Top Five Movies for Brats and Tops

Top Five Movies for Brats & Tops

TOPS

Clueless Bring It On Scream (parts 1,2 and 3) Sixth Sense Whatever It Takes BRATS The Sting Chocolat The Others Hotshots Backdraft

The Twelve Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas my partner gave to me.......
one large cat with claws that were bigger than me

On the second day of Christmas the large cat gave to me
two scratches - deep, and a hairball under the Christmas tree

On the third day of Christmas I gave that roadkill to be
Two sly kicks and the swat that my top gave to me

On the fourth day of Christmas my top's cat gave to me......
Four shredded papers, three chewed up notes, two pulls in my sweater and a paw in my iced tea.

On the fifth day of Christmas I gave that roadkill to be.....
A glass of five alive.... and he gave me...(four knocked over chairs, three piles of sick, two broken glasses and an irate top who came after me)

On the sixth day of Christmas my top gave to me.......
Six dozen lines, five stinging swats, for-ever in the corner, three hours of chores, two chewed ears and a warning not to make the cat flee.

On the seventh day of Christmas myself gave to he.....
Seven little furballs, six fleas (collected), five dead mice... four caught flies, three broken baubles, two bandaids and a cat up a Christmas tree

On the eighth day of Christmas my top's cat gave to me......
Eight computer reboots, seven disconnected calls, six shoelaces missing, five hissing fits, four ignored calls, three innocent looks, two loud meows and my favorite sweater full of pee.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my top reminded me.......
nine times to stop shouting, eight times to stop stamping, seven times to shave, six times to dress, five times to nap, four times to shop, three times to eat, twice to keep on wrapping and once to unwrap his cat.

On the tenth day of Christmas I hung on the Christmas tree.....
Ten boxes of tinsel, nine strands of lights, eight candy canes, seven glass bulbs, six singing santas, five miles of garland, four calling cards, three french mints, two turtle ducks and one cat (no it really wasn't me!)

On the eleventh day of Christmas, his relatives came to see.....
Eleven hours of football, ten screaming children, nine trays of snacks, eight games of cards, seven views of the garden, six bottles of wine, a five mile walk- four cat fights, three with the kids, two squirts with the hose and apparently - him and me.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love said to me......
twelve curt warnings, eleven don't do thats, ten isn't that enoughs, nine have you lost your minds, eight will you get thats, seven will you stop thats, six won't you help mes, five I've had enoughs, four settle downs, three leave the cat alones, two terms of endearment, and a promise that he'd never leave me.

However the cat stayed.

PET THE CAT .

EVERYONE LOVES THE CAT .

IGNORE THE BRAT.

PET THE CAT .

Brat Law Regarding Property and Possession

BRAT LAW REGARDING PROPERTY AND POSSESSION

Conditional upon convenience at all times
no refunds, no guarantees, no soap, no corners, see small print

What's mine is mine

What's my top's is mine.

(And whatever I can slide into the cart and get through checkout without him knowing.... is mine)

If I say so it must be right

If I want it, it must be right

If I like it, it must be right

And I need it

(and if my top says no, then my civil rights have been violated)

What I say goes.

What my tops says goes… in one ear and out the other.

If I do not have it with me, yet want it, buying another is a perfectly
acceptable solution

If someone else has it in my house, it is mine.

If I see it first, it's mine.

If it's yours, and you put it down, it becomes mine.

If it's yours, I probably don't want it anyway

Anything in my vicinity may be mine. Please check before touching and allow time for a decision to be made.

If I can't have it, I definitely want it.

If you can't have it, that's only fair.

We are aware you are due a turn, which will come right after mine. Please enjoy the hold music while you wait.

Ten Reasons Why I Will Never Again Take My Brat To A Fish Restaurant

TEN REASONS WHY I WILL NEVER AGAIN TAKE MY BRAT TO A FISH RESTAURANT

1. He'll tease the fish in the tank despite repeated hissed requests to desist and pokes in the ribs

2. He'll imitate the head waiter just fractionally too loudly

3. He'll unerringly select from the menu the fish WITH the most bones and eyes, despite all persuasion, and then find a bone and refuse to eat it

4. He'll clip the bands off of the lobsters to give them a fighting chance

5. He'll take a crab claw and pinch his nose with it and pretend to be fighting it, then when marched into the bathroom and threatened, he'll pout, get tearful
and deny being at all difficult

6. He'll use the fish as a hand puppet, then insist on picking it up and moving it to demonstrate swimming actions before refusing to have it on the table as it still has eyes

7. He'll open every clam, looking for pearls

8. Fresh fish restaurants contain seaweed. Nuff said.

9. He'll ask the waiter why there's no fish on the dessert menu

10. Fish restaurants don't stock valium for the use of customers.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Ten Ways I Can Get to Work on Time

TEN WAYS I CAN GET TO WORK ON TIME

The unofficial version

Kill all the other motorists.

Sleep at the office

Convince the boss to go flexi time

Drive on the hardshoulder and tell the police I'm pregnant

Work from home

Bribe the secretary to write PJs into the office dress code.

Leave work on grounds of ill health. (lack of sleep)

Shower at the office (Set up a bucket system in the copier room)

Set the fire alarm for 4am .

Overdose on caffeine for a week in a secret coffee binge at five am , so you're bright, lively, chatty and high speed from 5:30 onwards- until your partner will do anything if you'll sleep in and wake up gradually like any normal person.

Ways to Entertain your Top While you Shop

Ways to keep your top entertained while u shop....

Disclaimer: To those tops out there that have to deal with the consequences of this list..... ..... Ranger made me do it!

Put five one pound bags of M&Ms on layaway.
Go into dressing room and yell loudly "We're out of toilet paper in here!”
Make a trail of grape juice into the bathrooms.
Walk up to an employee and say in an official voice "We have a Code Three in housewares" and see what happens.
Stand in the kitchen implement aisle and rate those implements that can be used for spanking. "OW, son, don't let mom buy that spoon. It's wicked!"
Travel down the toy aisle pressing all the buttons and other body parts of the animals that make noise. Seeing a shelf of Elmos wiggling and laughing wildly will brighten ANYONE'S day.
When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why won't you people leave me alone."
Use the security camera as a mirror while you pick your nose.
Find the perfectly designed plastic ball rack and remove the one plastic ball that all others are balancing on.
Set up a tent in the outdoors department and tell others they're only allowed in if they bring a pillow from the bedding department.
While handling a gun in the hunting department, casually ask where the anti-depressants are located.
Move the CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to areas that are carpeted.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the tune from "Mission Impossible."
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
Randomly switch carts with different customers.
When customers aren't looking, slide items into their cart, such as a box of condoms or feminine products.
Take a "Mr. Microphone" from the toy aisle and hold on the spot in-store interviews or karaoke contests.
Practice your Madonna look using different sized funnels from the auto department.
Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse, jiggle the hangers and whisper "Pick me, pick me!"
When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "No! No! It's the voices again!"

Rules When the Top is Out of Town

Your beloved Top is going out of town... and has just a few little hints and clues he's going to pin you to the wall and make you swear to before he leaves. So here, for the information and educational development of all brats, here is the precise definition of what he means, in order for you to be happy and healthy while he's away.

BED BY ELEVEN PM - Which means THINK about it at 11. Actually get there around two-ish when everyone else on IM goes to bed.
EAT PROPERLY - Which means - of course- PIZZA!!!!!!!!!!!! And you can finish it off for breakfast. (ALWAYS eat breakfast, just like he tells you.) Also stock up on cookies, chocolate and other snack foods as celery and carrot sticks are NOT snacks, they're just used to keep the fridge busy.
REFRIGERATE FOOD AS SOON AS IT'S COLD - Stick it in the fridge when you pass it around lunchtime the following day and don't mention it... it'll be fine, you both survive eating hamburgers.
KEEP THE EMERGENCY NUMBERS BY THE PHONE - That means call 911 ONLY when the garden hose fails to put out the fire.
DO THE CURRENT LOAD OF LAUNDRY, GET IT DRY AND IRONED. - Kick the pile every time you pass it, put it in the washer and forget about it. It'll dry by morning. Or toss it in the dryer to freshen, WHO needs water?!?
FEED THE CAT - Leave pizza box on floor
MOW THE BACK LAWN - Dump ALL gasoline on the lawn, and set alight. That leaves you with NO grass to mow, and no gas to mow
BUY MILK AND BREAD - At 2am when everyone deserts you on IM...head to the all night store to get the essentials....and the candy bar you forgot earlier.
DON 'T SPEND ALL DAY ON THE NET - A day is 24 hours right? Just subtract toilet and snack breaks- you haven't been there ALL day....
NO PARTIES. - it was a study group! Researching the multitude of beers available on the modern market.
RING YOUR MOTHER Call, let it ring once and hang up. Mark THAT one right off your list. Alternatively, if you have the right kind of Mom, she has already come round, vacuumed the house and done your ironing, bringing chocolate, cake, milk and sympathy with her since you've been deserted by your partner.
NO LATE TV - Turn tv off at 11, it's only the news. Turn it back on at 12:01, as it's now EARLY
YOU'D BETTER NOT LOOK TIRED AND SUGAR HYPED WHEN I GET HOME...Leave a note saying you're feeding the homeless and crash at your friend’s house until you can hold a glass without shaking and keep your eyes open without toothpicks. Alternatively- why worry? He'll have missed you too much to be mad. ;)

The Greatest Lies Told to Brats

The Greatest Lies Told to Brats

by Tops, who somehow NEVER encounter a bar of soap for this

LIE: Going out without a coat will make you catch a cold. TRUTH: No, taking a VIRUS makes you catch a cold. Going out without a coat and getting caught by your top is ALSO unlikely to end in you feeling at all cold. LIE: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day TRUTH: No one has ever died from missing breakfast, and chocolate DOES taste better than cereal. Any sane being will attest to this. If your top protests, take him out to the mall and do a taste survey on the local populace. LIE: Tired and cranky people need naps. TRUTH: Only if they're under three. Half the world is tired and cranky, and still survive. If your top was less cranky he'd have the patience to survive you being tired without resorting to compulsory time out. (How many police officers, doctors, politicians and court judges- some of the crankiest members of society- get dismissed from duty to go and nap?) LIE: Sick people need lots of fluids. TRUTH: How many times do you get yelled at for moving around when you're supposed to be resting? You could cut out a MULTITUDE of runs to the bathroom if you weren't being forced to drink enough for an army. LIE: This hurts me more than you. TRUTH: Uh......... excuse me? If it's seriously supposed to be more blessed to recieve than give when a paddle is involved, why do they NEVER take up the offer to swap places and CHECK on this 'fact'? LIE: It's your decision. TRUTH: I won't actually TELL you what to do- but I'm sure as hell going to imply it a lot and you BETTER be listening LIE: Gardening is relaxing and theraputic. TRUTH: Gardening is HARD work, leaves you tired, sweaty, frustrated with the mower and in serious trouble for hurling plant pots at your partner. LIE: Swallow medicine fast and you won't taste it. TRUTH: You can swallow cough syrup at the speed of light. It is STILL the most disgusting substance known to man, and something no sane person would voluntarily place in their mouth LIE: You need to have your phone with you at all times in case of emergency. TRUTH: The phone is your electronic leash. If you don't have it, then a certain someone can't jerk your chain. LIE: Taking the rubbish out will not harm you TRUTH: Rubbish by its very nature is toxic material, containing sharp edges and all the other dangerous things you're not supposed to handle unless carrying in a shapeless, thin, easily penetrable plastic bag. Besides which, hasn't he HEARD of back injuries??? LIE: Sugar should be consumed in small quantities. TRUTH: Don't they know how much one can do on a two coke, three candy bar sugar high? Obviously they need this useful experience. The house could be cleaned top to bottom in an hour and leave you MUCHO time to settle back and watch tv. LIE: You know I'm right. TRUTH: They're going to say they're right, no matter what anyone else thinks. Is this EVER tested out in a scientific manner? Has it been put to a popular vote? A 99 out of a 100 dentists say don't chew gum sort of vote? Demand statistics. And pie charts. It's the only way.

Get Out Lines for Difficult Situations

'Get out lines for difficult situations'-

(NO money back, no refunds and DEFINITELY NO guarantees)

I was just KIDDING..... They did it, why can't I? You always SAY think for myself, so I did! I don't want to talk about this. (Note, folded arms and a pout should always accompany this one) This isn't written in the rules! How was I to know? You're mad at me! I didn't hear what you SAID...... No. No no no no no no no no! nooooooooooo.............. WHY? I was doing homework! It's only a LITTLE.... (burned, stained, broken, lost, dead, eaten, add as applicable You didn't specify! I ALWAYS do it like that! Don't you LOVE me?

Slashfic Brats in Crisis Line.

Welcome to the Slashfic Brats in Crisis Line. (SBCL)

Please listen carefully

to the following instructions before making your selection.

If you are in a threesome, please press one.

If you are in a foursome, please be aware this is unchartered fictional ground and probably against union rules, and press two.

If you have cats, press three.

If you have a dog, press four.

If the dog is called after your author, please seek help.

If you have broken, lost or accidentally destroyed an important item that your top will not be happy about, please resist all urges to conceal the evidence and press five to access lecture number 712a, 'The plot ALWAYS gets messy when you hide things'.

If you are involved with unsuitable characters, or have run away, please press six to access Fictional Tops Anonymous who will arrange for someone large and broody to collect you immediately and ensure a safe ride home. The SBCL cannot take any responsibility for said large and broody top spanking you or anyone else involved in your situation; however rest assured no Slashfic brat or top has yet spent more than a few days in police custody no matter what their crime.

If you are having an emotional crisis, please press seven for chocolate, a cuddle and today's chapter of Soothing Reading.

If you are not having an emotional crisis, please press eight and we will be happy to assign you one right away. Remember, happy brats make for short stories!

If your top has lost the plot, please press nine.

If you have lost the plot, press nine twice to hear lecture 37c, "Brats aren't supposed to get the plot, just hang around and someone will spank the practical upshot of it into you eventually". You'll get a hug afterwards, and possibly a cookie. Don't worry.

If you are having a fight with your friend, please hit him with the receiver when you hear the tone.

If you are not having a fight with your friend, please press 0 and select a reason from the listed options. Remember, passive aggression can be just as fun as physical violence in a well rounded plot, although physical violence tends to move things along quicker.

If your dysfunctional parents and/or guardians have entered the plot, please invite them to dinner and be advised that you can access our 'Slashfic Family Counselling Service' from the previous list of choices.

If you have a functional, large, stern and kindly father figure in the plot, please be grateful and pass him around.

If you are being scolded by your top, please pick up a second receiver and hold both firmly over your ears.

If you have been kidnapped, if handcuffs have become involved, if you have had sex or been spanked in a public place or by more than one person or for no apparent reason, if your mother has been abducted by aliens or you have developed extra sensory perceptive powers, please be advised that you have entered the wider realm of Slashfic and you may not be Doing It Properly. We cannot advise on these matters on this service.

If you have a cabin in the woods, please press the hash key. If you have a large group of friends with you in a cabin in the woods, you are insane. We have no evidence at this time of that plot line ending well.

If you are having a tantrum please punch the x key and face the corner while we connect you.

If you are suffering with post traumatic stress, repressed memories, angst, abuse or any other author inflicted condition, please breathe deeply into the receiver and medical assistance will be dispatched to your location.

If you are paranoid, confused, immature, childish, bratty, impatient or temperamental, please hang up, we cannot help you. There is as yet no help line for simply being human.

The DP Slashfic Drinking Game.

The DP Slashfic Drinking Game.

To be used (at least fairly responsibly) with the story of your choice. With coke or milk, naturally ;)

Take One Sip:

If somebody cries (If the top cries - finish your glass)
Any time any top shows wilful loss of memory ("What did I say about....")
Any time the brat breaks/loses/forgets/throws an item.
Any time a pet appears.
Whenever the cast go near a cabin
Any time anyone gets swatted. (one sip per swat)
Any time someone curses
Any time the top uses any form of pet name.
Any time anyone puts on pyjamas or has a shower (one sip each)
Whenever anyone heats soup
Whenever anyone eats chocolate or drinks coke.

Take two:

Any time someone gets stood in a corner/mouth soaped out/sent to bed.
Any time someone gets their temperature taken (If they get the full monty temperaturewise, finish the glass)
Any time the brat hits anyone
Any time two or more brats have an argument. (probably safest sticking to two sips per entire argument)
Any time a top counts (if they get to three and don't act immediately then glasses DOWN- the last person with their glass down buys the next round.)
If a couple manage to fit sex into the plot. (Since implicit sex is virtually mandatory, you may need a referee to call this. If it's explicit sex, finish the glass)

Take three:

Any time there's a spanking (If there isn't a spanking, drink the whole damn bottle)
Any time the top comes up with an argument that makes the brat realise he's been wrong all along
Any time the brat has a terrific justification for his actions that the top shoots full of holes. (Metaphorically. If the top actually shoots the brat, become teetotal.)
Whenever anyone has a flash-back.
Any time someone's ex pops up
Any time the cast go fishing
Any time a pet, friend or relative dies a tragic death

Drink the whole glass:

If the top asks the brat if he wants a spanking
If the brat explains any part of the plot to the cat or the dog
If anything burns down, blows up, floods or involves a ghost.
If after a long discussion, the top apologises for being wrong, takes a couple of aspirin and orders take out.
If the top bursts into tears and wants to go bowling instead

Head for the bar and finish the stock:

If the brat asks the top if he wants a spanking, or worse still, administers it.

Rolf and Ranger

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Fun and Games