Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Greatest Lies Told to Brats

The Greatest Lies Told to Brats 

by Tops, who somehow NEVER encounter a bar of soap for this

LIE: Going out without a coat will make you catch a cold.

TRUTH: No, taking a VIRUS makes you catch a cold. Going out without a coat and getting caught by your top is ALSO unlikely to end in you feeling at all cold.

LIE: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day

TRUTH: No one has ever died from missing breakfast, and chocolate DOES taste better than cereal. Any sane being will attest to this. If your top protests, take him out to the mall and do a taste survey on the local populace.

LIE: Tired and cranky people need naps.

TRUTH: Only if they're under three. Half the world is tired and cranky, and still survive. If your top was less cranky he'd have the patience to survive you being tired without resorting to compulsory time out. (How many police officers, doctors, politicians and court judges- some of the crankiest members of society- get dismissed from duty to go and nap?)

LIE: Sick people need lots of fluids.

TRUTH: How many times do you get yelled at for moving around when you're supposed to be resting? You could cut out a MULTITUDE of runs to the bathroom if you weren't being forced to drink enough for an army.

LIE: This hurts me more than you.

TRUTH: Uh......... excuse me? If it's seriously supposed to be more blessed to recieve than give when a paddle is involved, why do they NEVER take up the offer to swap places and CHECK on this 'fact'?

LIE: It's your decision.

TRUTH: I won't actually TELL you what to do- but I'm sure as hell going to imply it a lot and you BETTER be listening

LIE: Gardening is relaxing and theraputic.

TRUTH: Gardening is HARD work, leaves you tired, sweaty, frustrated with the mower and in serious trouble for hurling plant pots at your partner.

LIE: Swallow medicine fast and you won't taste it.

TRUTH: You can swallow cough syrup at the speed of light. It is STILL the most disgusting substance known to man, and something no sane person would voluntarily place in their mouth

LIE: You need to have your phone with you at all times in case of emergency.

TRUTH: The phone is your electronic leash. If you don't have it, then a certain someone can't jerk your chain.

LIE: Taking the rubbish out will not harm you

TRUTH: Rubbish by its very nature is toxic material, containing sharp edges and all the other dangerous things you're not supposed to handle unless carrying in a shapeless, thin, easily penetrable plastic bag. Besides which, hasn't he HEARD of back injuries???

LIE: Sugar should be consumed in small quantities.

TRUTH: Don't they know how much one can do on a two coke, three
candy bar sugar high? Obviously they need this useful experience. The
house could be cleaned top to bottom in an hour and leave you MUCHO time to settle back and watch tv.

LIE: You know I'm right.

TRUTH: They're going to say they're right, no matter what anyone else thinks. Is this EVER tested out in a scientific manner? Has it been put to a popular vote? A 99 out of a 100 dentists say don't chew gum sort of vote? Demand statistics. And pie charts. It's the only way.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

*laughs* I think *your* brats have been talking to *my* kids (god help us all ...)

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