Slashfic Brats in Crisis Line.

Welcome to the Slashfic Brats in Crisis Line. (SBCL) 

Please listen carefully 

to the following instructions before making your selection.

• If you are in a threesome, please press one.

• If you are in a foursome, please be aware this is unchartered fictional ground and probably against union rules, and press two.

• If you have cats, press three.

• If you have a dog, press four.

• If the dog is called after your author, please seek help.

• If you have broken, lost or accidentally destroyed an important item that your top will not be happy about, please resist all urges to conceal the evidence and press five to access lecture number 712a, 'The plot ALWAYS gets messy when you hide things'.

• If you are involved with unsuitable characters, or have run away, please press six to access Fictional Tops Anonymous who will arrange for someone large and broody to collect you immediately and ensure a safe ride home. The SBCL cannot take any responsibility for said large and broody top spanking you or anyone else involved in your situation; however rest assured no Slashfic brat or top has yet spent more than a few days in police custody no matter what their crime.

• If you are having an emotional crisis, please press seven for chocolate, a cuddle and today's chapter of Soothing Reading.

• If you are not having an emotional crisis, please press eight and we will be happy to assign you one right away. Remember, happy brats make for short stories!

• If your top has lost the plot, please press nine.

• If you have lost the plot, press nine twice to hear lecture 37c, "Brats aren't supposed to get the plot, just hang around and someone will spank the practical upshot of it into you eventually". You'll get a hug afterwards, and possibly a cookie. Don't worry.

• If you are having a fight with your friend, please hit him with the receiver when you hear the tone.

• If you are not having a fight with your friend, please press 0 and select a reason from the listed options. Remember, passive aggression can be just as fun as physical violence in a well rounded plot, although physical violence tends to move things along quicker.

• If your dysfunctional parents and/or guardians have entered the plot, please invite them to dinner and be advised that you can access our 'Slashfic Family Counselling Service' from the previous list of choices.

• If you have a functional, large, stern and kindly father figure in the plot, please be grateful and pass him around.

• If you are being scolded by your top, please pick up a second receiver and hold both firmly over your ears.

• If you have been kidnapped, if handcuffs have become involved, if you have had sex or been spanked in a public place or by more than one person or for no apparent reason, if your mother has been abducted by aliens or you have developed extra sensory perceptive powers, please be advised that you have entered the wider realm of Slashfic and you may not be Doing It Properly. We cannot advise on these matters on this service.

• If you have a cabin in the woods, please press the hash key. If you have a large group of friends with you in a cabin in the woods, you are insane. We have no evidence at this time of that plot line ending well.

• If you are having a tantrum please punch the x key and face the corner while we connect you.

• If you are suffering with post traumatic stress, repressed memories, angst, abuse or any other author inflicted condition, please breathe deeply into the receiver and medical assistance will be dispatched to your location.

• If you are paranoid, confused, immature, childish, bratty, impatient or temperamental, please hang up, we cannot help you. There is as yet no help line for simply being human.