Saturday, February 13, 2010

Deep Impact - Ending 1

"Damien, please…………….."
That got me swatted. He'd talk this patiently through with me until Kingdom Come without ever objecting to my not agreeing with him, I knew that, but he was not going to put up with opting out of the conversation and I knew too he was going to keep me right where I was over his lap until we were done talking this through to his satisfaction. Which meant basically he was giving me no way out at all.
"I DID cause it."
"You are not responsible for other people's actions." Damien repeated again. I took a deep breath, trying to think of some - any - way out of this conversation.
"Look, can't we just agree to differ? I don't agree! I feel like I caused that crash, I feel responsible for it, that just IS the way I feel!"
"I'm not going to allow you to torture yourself feeling guilty or responsible for something that rationally is not your fault." Damien told me. His hand was rubbing my thigh again in warm and soothing circles. "You're either going to have to justify to me, logically, why you have that blame, or you're going to have to accept that you have no blame here and let it go."
"I started it!" I said helplessly, trying not to sound too exasperated. "If it wasn't for me they wouldn't have been IN that situation in the first place!"
"Nicky, you are not responsible for other people's actions. You have no authority or control over them, you have no means of guiding or containing what they do or how they react-"
"If you get in a car you have a responsibility to everyone else on the road!" I said hotly. "Not to put them at risk!"
"I agree." Damien said quietly. "But you said 'responsible TO'. That's very different from 'responsible FOR'. You have a responsibility for how your actions affect people, you don't and can't possibly have a responsibility FOR those people. They make their own choices, they have responsibility to everyone else on the road, including you, to pay attention to the road and to make good choices. What they do is not your fault."
"I made that woman crash." I said stubbornly. Damien didn't answer. I had a fairly discreet try at sliding off his lap and standing up- I didn't get more than an inch. His arm over my back just didn't move; not gripping but a steady, immovable barrier. He held me where I was and after a minute I flopped back down again. Still bare, still upended, still laid out over his lap waiting for a spanking that might with a bit of luck happen some time before Christmas. The reminder of that fact was infuriating. And sobering.
"I did." I repeated more quietly when he still didn't say anything. He was still rubbing my thigh. He still didn't answer.
"She couldn't stop crying." I said eventually.
That had been awful. She wasn't hurt, but she'd cried and cried, with shock, with fright. Damien's hand went on circling gently. I felt so awful about her crying.
"I did that." I said tightly. "I'm why she was so frightened, what kind of an evening is she having? If she'd hurt herself or she'd been killed, what would her family be going through? I could have caused that."
"But you didn't." Damien told me softly. "You didn't hurt anyone."
"I can't stop thinking about how dangerous that could have been."
"I don't think you'll ever make a U turn on an exit again," Damien said compassionately. "You're a good and careful driver who made one impulse mistake and it did no harm Nick. You weren't responsible for the few bent fenders."
"I bet that girl doesn't think that."
"Then she's evading the fact that she was going too fast and not paying attention to what was in front of her." Damien tapped my thigh. "Which was the reason she hit the crash barrier. Wasn't it?"
I didn't answer. Damien waited a while. I could feel him relaxed against me, patient, unhurried, unfrustrated.
"Wasn't it?" he said again after a while. Tears were stinging my eyes and blinking wasn't making them go away. I nodded slowly, trying to keep my voice steady.
"So what are we dealing with here?" Damien asked gently.
"Doing U turns when I miss an exit." I mumbled, and felt his hand finally move from my thigh to my backside. My stomach gave another lurch of something totally confused between serious apprehension and relief.
"That's right." Damien said and his hand lifted and swatted down across my rump. I clenched my teeth, eyes stinging and filling through about twenty sound smacks scattered over the available area. Then his hand rested once more on my thigh and his voice reached me again, just as calm.
"I don't expect to see you doing something that impulsive, or risky when you're driving. If you miss an exit what do you do?"
Oh God he was killing me. I opened my mouth, about ready to tell him we'd been through this, I'd been lying here about an hour already, my backside was smarting but nothing LIKE how I knew it was going to and I was about ready to appeal to the European Court of Human Rights…. I just wanted him to finish this spanking, get it over with as quickly as possible and end this truly horrible ordeal. What actually happened was that I burst into tears. He waited, making quiet and soothing sounds, but repeated again,
"If you miss an exit what do you do?"
"Go to the next one," I said, sobbing. This was ridiculous, he'd barely touched me.
"Right." Damien said meditatively. "It's only a few miles. It's mildly annoying having to go a little further, it's NOT a good reason to do something you know is a bad idea and technically an illegal manoeuvre. If everyone did it every time they missed an exit the roads would be in chaos."
By this time I was sobbing too hard to speak.
"I know, I'm sorry." I said eventually, wiping my face on my sleeve.
Damien felt for his handkerchief, pulled it out and gave it to me. Great, heaving sobs were coming out in total lack of proportion to the mild heat and stinging I was actually physically aware of. He rubbed my back, waiting a moment while I got through the worst of it- I really wasn't at all sure whether I appreciated that or whether I wanted, passionately, for him to get through and let me out of chancery over his lap. I'd been here forever and I hated it.
Finally he shifted his grip and I took a deep breath, trying to brace myself. It didn't work. He spanked me for what felt like forever but was probably only a couple of minutes, and I was sobbing and limp before he even got started. When he was done he put an arm under my chest and physically lifted me back into his chest. I wound my arms around his neck and clung, and he held me, rocking slowly and steadily back and forward.
"It's ok. It's all right baby, it's fine now. It's over and it's finished with, you're ok."
"I feel so awful." I said when I could talk again. Damien shifted backwards until he was sitting against the headboard and manhandled until I was lying more or less on him, held just as securely but in a far more comfortable position. His hand ran through my hair, caressed the back of my neck and carried on down the length of my spine.
"It wasn't a nice situation darling. People get upset and angry when they're frightened, and any kind of crash makes people realise think about what might have happened. But it's ok. No one was hurt, no damage was done, everyone involved has their own lives and that girl will have someone now who's looking after her and making sure she's all right. There isn't anything more that you can do for her, you need to calm yourself down now."
He was right. It had been bad enough hearing and seeing the crashes, no matter how minor. He held me for a long time, until I was quiet and the sniffling finally stopped. The clock radio was standing at past nine pm. Damien glanced at it, then bent his head and kissed me firmly. One of his gotcha, you're mine, matter of factly possessive kisses that leaves the taste and physical memory of him lingering long afterwards on my lips.
"Go and put some pyjamas on. I'll bring some tea and biscuits up and we'll watch a video in bed."
He's a domineering so and so. But it was very comforting to be told so exactly what to do. No need to think, no need to worry, all I needed to do was what he told me. I did trust him to be right.
I staggered into the bathroom and caught sight of my face in the mirror over the sink. Awful. White, with red, blood shot eyes and tearstains. Hardly surprising. That had been one of the worst spankings I'd had in a long time. Not that I hadn't thoroughly deserved it. I washed my face, feeling extremely pathetic and hearing Damien come upstairs with a tray chinking. The tv clicked in our room as he turned it on. Every day, familiar sounds. I knew that we'd watch something easy and undemanding, drink tea and cuddle and I'd fall asleep fairly soon- I was exhausted now, a spanking that serious drained everything out of me emotionally and physically. But I felt- in the way that really mattered - better.
A hell of a lot better.
Actually, on reflection, I didn't physically feel very much more than very warm and smarting. I paused, half way into pyjamas, and peered at my backside in the mirror. It was a hot pink all over, an even and very fashionable colour- but there wasn't one patch of actual red. I ran an experimental hand over it, somewhat puzzled. It was sore, but not THAT sore. Not at all what I'd expected to see.
"Nicky." Damien said peremptorily from the bedroom. I hastily pulled my pyjamas straight and headed back to bed. Pride and Prejudice was starting on the tv, something long and light that we both enjoyed. Tea was steaming and the biscuit tin was open, lying temptingly close. Damien, trying to persuade me that I did want to eat. He'd changed into his own nightwear and he was stretched out under the duvet in his usual, comfortable sprawl. One more confirmation that all was right with my world. He shifted over at the sight of me, holding an arm out. I slid under it and he hugged me tightly, pulling me close against him.
Ok he was domineering. But I could definitely live with that.

~ The End ~

1 comment:

Key said...

I must confess to not really reading this story through properly the first few times, but I have this time, I'm not sure about this one? I keep thinking that Damien's gone a bit soft and I sort of agree with Nick that the accident was his fault... but I'm reserving judgement until I read the second version! lol

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